147 ftw!
Who’s got two thumbs and lowered her cholesterol by ONE HUNDRED points? This girl right here! Don’t you know, I love getting awesome grades on tests (which, funnily enough, I just spelled as ‘testes,’ giggled and imagined what must be involved in getting an A on testes) and so it has bothered me for two years now that I couldn’t manage to ace the cholesterol one my doc gives me every fall. Well, the results came in the mail on Friday and I am a frickin’ heart disease champ! Bad cholesterol low. Good cholesterol high. Combined score of 147 for the win! Frankly, I’m more than a little disappointed that I don’t get a badge or a gold star or anything. I mean, I gave up things like beer and red meat (eh, mostly) and the yellow parts of eggs. People should know what I went through.
The above is evidence that I would not have done so well at one of those progressive, don’t give grades kind of schools. So I crave recognition. It’s not like it’s meth or anything.
Not all of the news from my doctor was good news, and so on Friday I had to get myself a specialist to administer some uncomfortable and terrifying procedures on my downtheres. Apparently, I chose wisely because not only was Dr. Specialist able to see me first thing this morning, it turns out he’s the dude who invented the terrifying and uncomfortable downthere procedures and if you’re gonna have just any ole person fiddling with your sensitive bits, it might as well be that guy. And while he delivered very good news within minutes and asked me out for a second date in three months, his expertise and my peace of mind cost me a whopping hundred and eighty bucks (thank you, stupid deductible).
I won’t lie, I was pretty nervous about this. I’ve dodged the bullet once before - precancer that just up! and vanished after a few tests. And as much faith and hope as I wanted to have, I doubted very much that you get more than one Get Out of Jail Free card when it comes to baby making health. But I’ve landed on Free Parking yet again and now I can go home and really eat up those gorgeous yellow roses the Boy brought home, without a second thought… and maybe with a glass of wine and a big ole hunk of cheese.В
Do not tell my cholesterol.